So, I love you...

This past week I received news that a dear friend in LA was struck and killed in a hit and run. The driver was caught within the hour; found to be driving under the influence and charged with vehicular homicide. Tragic and senseless!

I met Dahly two years ago in church. We were seated next to each other and exchanged a warm hug after the worship service. The connection was immediate and sincere. Dahly was accomplished, beautiful, intelligent, grounded, authentic, and had a heart for God and anyone who crossed her path. We were drawn to each other’s energy and passion for life and God. We would have lunch after church and prayed like the mamas we are over our boys. We referred to each other as forever sisters in Christ. We exchanged texts of encouragement when either was facing a difficult challenge and celebrated each others successes. Dahly was pure love and light and I always looked forward to spending time with her.

Upon receiving the news of Dahly’s untimely passing, I rushed to pull up her last text.  It said “One day one of us may not be here and it will be too late to say I love you… So, I love you.  Love ya, girl!” My reply was “Aw… sweetie. Thank you.  I love you too. Have a wonderful day ahead.”  I fell to the floor, intensely grief stricken and sobbed uncontrollably. It was chilling, cruelly ironic and ripped my heart wide open. How would she have known that within a few weeks her life would come to such a tragic end and that her words would have an immensely powerful and lasting impact?  How would either of us know that these would be our last words to each other? Yet, despite them being our last, they are the most precious words you can share with another soul.

As I struggle to make sense of Dahly’s passing and navigate the waves of grief that pour over me, I am reminded once more of our incontestable mortality and the brevity of our journey here. None of us gets out of this alive. We all have an end date.  It’s vital to live intentionally and fiercely in the dash of our birth and end dates. I am reminded, again, to love harder, hug longer, appreciate more deeply, forgive easily, live courageously and with greater purpose, relentlessly pursue my dreams, worry less, stay out of the shallow end of life's pool, and NEVER EVER let someone you love not know how much you love them.

I thank God for giving me the gift of Dahly and her beautiful effect on my soul. I am grateful to have experienced her words of love as well as her love in action. I will miss you, my dear friend and forever sister in Christ, and look forward to the day when I can warmly embrace you again!

THE SOBRIETY COIN

I recently found a sobriety coin on the sidewalk. I had heard of sobriety coins, but never viewed one up close. When I got in my car I examined the coin in detail. On one side The Serenity Prayer is inscribed.  On the other, the length of sobriety achieved, the phrase “To thine own self be true”, and the words unity, service and recovery. This particular coin signified 18 years of sobriety; 18 years. Wow! We often hear people joke during lent how difficult it is to give up something for 40 days. How could they ever manage 18 years?

As I held the coin in the palm of my hand, I felt a powerful connection with it. I was overcome with deep emotion and pushed to tears. It was not lost on me what this coin signified. Who was this soldier of sobriety that formerly owned this coin? What demons must they have overcome to have reached such a monumental milestone in their recovery? Were they still living in a state of sobriety? I have friends and family members who have battled addiction and are in recovery.  I know all too well, and have experienced the pain, heartbreak and destruction it brings. I’ve also seen the positive effects of sobriety as a result of the hard work of those who work the program and genuinely want to be healthy again.

Sobriety is described as a state of living sober. I was challenged to examine my own life in an attempt to understand, what areas do I need to experience sobriety? Where do I need to gain control over a negative force that serves only to destroy me, and perhaps, at times, those around me? If I were to be completely honest, which is a key step in sobriety, and choose one, it would be fear.

Fear of:

• failure
• rejection
• what the future holds (don’t we all these days?)
• being hurt by those I love and trust
• being used and taken advantage of
• getting my heart broken… again (I could write another 100 blogs on this one)
• growing old alone 

The list certainly goes on. These unhealthy fears hold me in an intoxicated state, prohibiting clear thinking and experiencing the life I’m truly meant to live. 

The first step in sobriety is admitting you are powerless over your dependence. Yikes, admitting weakness. That alone sparks fear, yet it must be spoken aloud and confronted in order to free myself from its clutches. OK. Here goes… Hello, my name is LoriAnn and I need sobriety from fear. Phew! Step one, check.

An interesting fact about the sobriety coin is that it not only represents the years of sobriety a member achieves, but, it represents AA's commitment to the receiver - not the receivers’ commitment to AA".  This is partly why it’s critical for recoverings to attend meetings.  They need the support of their community. Community is vital for continued sobriety.

I underwent an unexpected set back a few months ago that propelled me into the depths of fear. The fear paralyzed me in such a way that I was rendered unable to get out of bed for several days and spiraled into a debilitating depression. I was fortunate enough to have a community of family and amazing friends to pull me out of the dark chasm I had fallen into. They didn’t just check in on me with trite messages and calls; no, they showed up in fierce and real ways. They were my recovery group, my community, my people. They pushed me hard, daily, to move past my fears. They proved to me that living in fear wouldn’t change the outcome of my situation.  They also challenged me to surrender my independence and allow them to take care of me. 

How many times have you heard a recovering say "I've got this under control this time". These are lies used to perpetuate pushing their support and home team away. I was guilty of the same.  When you've not showered long enough to where even your dog refuses to sleep with you, you've eaten enough Ben & Jerry's to keep them in business for the  next few years and, you've binged watched Snapped or, worse, The Kardashian's, you certainly don't have this under control.  Vulnerability is not an easy playground for me to hang in. Standing emotionally naked in front of those I have spent years proving I’m a warrior to was daunting.  By shedding the ego, stripping away my insecurities and allowing my “true” community to be there I was able to detox from the fear and pain I was in and experience sobriety from its attempts to hold me hostage. I had to grab that gravy sucking bull called fear by the horns and let it know who was really boss here. I’ve since learned that I can’t stop fear from coming to me, but I do have the power to stop it from getting in me.

To the former owner of the coin I hold not only in my hand, but now in my heart, know it is safe and has had a profound impact on its new owner. I applaud you for the warrior you’ve been these past 18 years and for the fears and battles you’ve bravely faced to reach this milestone.  Stay the course and never stop fighting the good fight, my friend.  I wish you continued recovery and peace on your sobriety journey and to thine own self be true.

All rights reserved. ©2017  LoriAnn Boyer

Nineteen Years and Counting

Nineteen years ago today I awoke in a haze in a Los Angeles hospital trying desperately to piece together the events of the past 24 hours. Little did I know then that this would be the first day of my journey on the long road of conquering depression and anxiety. I had suffered a severe breakdown the night before. It was terrifying to say the least. I have always been a happy go lucky, upbeat, grounded and lighthearted soul. Depression and anxiety would be the last malady I would have ever expected to be diagnosed with. Yet, here I was frightened and confused and having to grapple with my new reality. A reality that felt much distorted in the moment.

For anyone who has suffered serious bouts of depression or confronted anxiety it can be the most hellish of nightmares. When you are in the depths of a full blown depression you feel as if you’re bound in chains and screaming underwater. You see the light at top of the water and exhaust yourself fighting to pierce through its veil.

The first episode is the most terrifying. You have no idea what is happening to you. You feel like you’ve literally lost your mind. You want to sleep forever and wake up to everything being normal again. The irony is, you’re now living your new normal. There will be hours upon hours of intensive therapy as you work toward healing your broken pieces. There are countless antidepressants, you can take to numb yourself, and some that are life saving for some, but the reality is no one pill can “cure” your depression. That’s like putting a tiny bandage over the wound of someone who just had open heart surgery and hoping they don’t bleed out. Depression is a hard fought battle that you visit time and again. For me, my faith, family, friends, and insatiable will to fight have been the pillars to my conquering this beast. My prayer mantra is always Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”. There were countless nights I fell asleep reciting this mantra as a way of calming my anxiety.

I have encountered several bouts of depression and anxiety since my first diagnosis. They've come less and less over the years and have gotten easier to conquer but they are grueling nonetheless. I’ve learned to lean deeper into prayer and meditation and reach out to my friends in complete vulnerability to ask their support. My good friend David Grant Wright, while kindly nursing me through an episode last summer, said, “It’s like an old friend who taps you on the shoulder to remind you of their presence. You look back, smile and say, ah, you again. Yes, we've danced this dance before and I’ve got this”. 

For all my fellow warriors facing the ugly beast that is depression, never give up. Never lay down your sword and never retreat. No matter how much pain you are experiencing, how weary you get or how frightened and hopeless you feel. No matter how many tears you’ve cried or how scorching the heat of battle gets, never, ever give up. Fight with every fiber of your being and know that you have what it takes to slay the dragon before you. Know that you are not alone. You stand shoulder to shoulder with other combatants who are fighting the same fight. Know that every wound you take to your armor is so the light can shine through when you finally win the battle. 

For me, depression is one chapter in the many wonderful chapters that are my life story. It weaves its way into other chapters but it is not the entire book and I refuse to let it be the main character.  

I thank God for allowing me to wake up in my own bed this morning healthy, happy and depression free. I thank Him for always having his hand of protection and grace over me, even in my darkest of hours. I thank Him for the scars and learnings along the way. I thank Him for being my strength when I wanted to drop my sword and run. I thank Him for always whispering in my ear that I am not alone. Most importantly, I thank Him for nineteen years of hard fought but sweet victory! 

How Rudolph Got Hired

One of my favorite Christmas movies is the beloved holiday classic, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. The undeniably lovable, wobbly legged reindeer with his shiny red nose. I was three when I was first introduced to Rudolph. Four decades later and after two decades in the Talent Acquisition industry, I’ve come to look at the story of Rudolph from a whole different lens. 

Rudolph had a unique skill set that set him apart from his peers. A talent that was not initially recognized as critical or valuable, yet, would become vital to saving Christmas. His shiny red nose. When Rudolph is seen participating in the annual reindeer games, Comet is aghast by the presence of his illuminating nose and dons him unfit for duty; despite Rudolph being able to fly higher than any of the other reindeer during tryouts. But Rudolph looked and behaved differently. In Comet's misguided assessment, Rudolph did not fit or look the "part" or  match the traditional job description of the role.

Too often I’ve seen hiring managers make the same mistake. They hire in a vacuum. They want to hire people that look, think and act like they, and the majority of their organization does. They refuse to look at candidates who deviate even a fraction from their preconceived notions of what the perfect candidate should look like. 

Today’s business world and social culture is changing at a relentless, frenetic pace. This is largely contributed to the need for social reform and the constant explosion of new technology, digital transformation, data, analytics and the like.  We cannot go to market with such linear, bias thinking about the talent we need to get the job done. If we want to hire innovative, creative and unique talent we need to toss out the cookie cutter approach to hiring and think more innovatively and creatively. We need to aspire to hiring people who look and behave differently when assessing talent. We need to focus more on the entirety of the individual sitting across the desk from us and less on the job description. Gone are the days of traditional hiring practices. Granted candidates should meet the basic requirements of a role and exude evidence they will honor and abide by your cultural and core values; however, we should not be quick to eliminate those that are risk takers, quirky, forward thinkers or who don’t fit into the status quo mold. We should challenge ourselves to seek out ways they could add value to our organizations. This will require us to boldly disrupt our systems, which is never an easy playground to show up on but with the right mindset and alignment of mission, could transform your organization.

If Albert Einstein were alive today I guarantee there would be companies that would immediately reject his candidacy. He was the epitome of quirky - that crazy unkempt hair, wearing fluffy slippers to work, and mumbling incoherently to himself when deep in thought. He was what left of center calls left of center, yet he was one of the greatest minds and influencers of the 20^th century. To hire such talent, we need to look beyond the resume and stale job requirements, look beyond color and race, look beyond our own unconscious bias and make bolder hiring choices.

Like many organizations who fail to see potential risk when making short-sighted decisions, no one at the North Pole foresaw the blinding snow storm that took place on Christmas Eve. I do find it surprising they were void of a contingency plan given it was the North Pole and snow was, well... their thing. They needed an immediate creative solution. Rudolph, for all intents and purposes, did not look the part or fit the traditional job description yet, in the end, his quirky, innovative skill set, that initially no one saw the value in, became the solution to saving Christmas that year. 

One of my favorite moments in the movie is when Santa readies the sleigh for take-off and asks, “Are you ready, Rudolph” and Rudolph enthusiastically replies, “READY SANTA”. He had always been ready even though the North Pole wasn't ready for him. He was very much ahead of his time. His passion, drive, determination and unusual skills propelled him from being rejected and considered unfit for duty to leading the pack and being the hero of the holiday.

Don’t make the same mistakes Rudolph’s leadership and hiring team made. Hire people who will best represent the direction your company is heading and are cutting edge thinkers and creative problem solvers. Hire people smarter than you. Hire people who look differently from you. Hire people who will challenge you to approach your business from a whole new paradigm. Hire the unicorn of an individual who is highly capable of getting the work done, but makes you scratch your head a little. They just might end up saving your company one day!

©2016 LoriAnn Boyer - All Rights Reserved

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Surrendering to Transformation

When I embarked on 2016, I determined that this would be a year of transition and shaking things up. I set goals to improve on the professional, personal, physical and spiritual aspects of my life.  My pastor once said, “If you’re not doing something with your life that shakes it up and scares you a little (in a good way), then you’re not doing something with your life”.  It was time to shake things up and venture into some scary, and, at times, daunting territory and push toward a greater purpose. 

 

On the professional side, although I was much endeared to the people I worked with at my former company, my role was no longer challenging or satisfying and the opportunity for upward mobility was at least two years down the road.  My job search led me to my current firm, where the first few months I felt like Alice in Wonderland when she fell down the rabbit hole. When you move from one job to another, everything in your professional universe changes. 

I swore I’d never work in downtown Los Angeles again and here I was snaking through its gritty streets with its onslaught of rude drivers, one ways, constant construction and/or streets being closed due to filming.  The latter a constant in LA.  I went from a company of 200 employees onsite to about 5-10 people in the office on any given day.  I had new leaders to become acquainted and partner with, new systems and processes to learn, a new team of recruiters to assess, develop and ensure they were providing value to the organization, begin delivering results, and, most importantly, know where all the Starbucks within in a three block radius were located.  As the weeks wore on I began to build new professional relationships, experienced a few quick wins and started to gain my stride, and was landing on a deeper confirmation that this was truly the right role and place for me. 

On the dating side, earlier this year I made a choice to come off of all online dating and take a much needed break.  I had experienced one too many shallow, go nowhere relationships and/or scary encounters.  I was becoming more and more jaded and knew it was time to get out from this cornucopia of broken men who, in theory, wanted to find their soul mate, but in reality were just looking for options.  If I had a dollar for every commitment-phobe guy I’ve met, I could retire today.  Where are all the “real men” with good godly values, are respectful, who know how to treat a lady like a lady and are not afraid to truly pursue a girl?  Really, where are these unicorns being held? I even asked Siri and she replied with raucous laughter.  Alright, alright… I digress.

The thought of being alone is never comforting.  There are nights I’ve woken up in tears over the thought of it.  We are not designed to be alone; however, I wanted to use this time to deepen my spiritual walk as well as get healthier physically and emotionally.

 

As a result, my prayer and meditation practices became stronger than ever.  Although I’ve always done daily devotionals and was listening to online sermons/teachings, I recently starting going back to church, after a three year hiatus, thanks to God’s pressing on my heart and reconnecting with a dear friend.  My spiritual walk is stronger than it's ever been and this would never have been possible if I hadn’t taken the time to bring it back to the forefront of my life.

 

I also got back to the gym and have lost another 15 lbs.  I’m loving the reflection I see in the mirror these days and am working towards getting in even better shape. 

I pushed through a serious depressive episode this summer, which in hindsight, I believe was my mind and soul taking out the garbage with all of the changes I was undergoing.  I am more grounded emotionally, physically and spiritually than I have been in a long time.

I also took stock of my friendships and those in my inner circle.  It’s not until you take the time to quiet the chatter in your life that you realize the need to do some friendship housecleaning.  I had unknowingly been in relationships that were very unhealthy, controlling, toxic and just outright hurtful.  In my desire to be needed or not be alone, I had allowed these relationships and their bad behaviors to manifest themselves in very unhealthy ways. By drawing a line in the sand and letting go of the wrong relationships I was able to make room for right ones to occupy the space they were cluttering up.  I have been beautifully surprised by those whom I now call friend and are part of my inner circle. 

 

This year of transition and pushing myself outside of my comfort zone has been rewarding in insurmountable ways.  There have been moments of tremendous fear and anxiety along the way coupled with great victory through the milestones I was able to reach.  I’m astonished at how amazingly adaptable we humans are when we finally resolve ourselves to the change.  We often distress or bristle during times of great transition; even though we know it’s exactly the direction we should be heading in.  Sometimes we make excuses as to why it’s not good for us or will subconsciously look for a way out. 

I often equate change to wearing a new pair of moccasins.  You’re drawn in by their newness, yet don’t feel their comfort at first.  They sometimes blister making each new step a little awkward and painful.  You want to reach for your old pair because they were familiar and made you feel good when you put them on; but they are tattered and torn and no longer serve their original purpose.  You are now forced to be temporarily uncomfortable in order to move forward.  Then something beautiful happens.  With each step you take forward, you begin to adapt and surrender to the change, and you realize the discomfort was meant to be in order to push you further down the path to your true potential.

 

As I reflect back over this past year, I’m thankful for all of the beautiful disruptions I had the courage to surrender to.  They, in turn, pointed me to the wonderfully rewarding and fulfilling life I am now living and have open the door to the untold possibilities before me. Difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations.  As such, I can hardly wait to see where 2017 leads!

My Giving Tree

My early mornings and evenings are spent outside on my patio in prayer and meditation. I sit under this beautiful tree that has become the centerpiece of my quiet time. Typically, I close my eyes to pray and mediate; however, tonight was different.  As I attempted to close my eyes, I was struck by the absolute exquisiteness of this tree that has been my silent prayer companion over the years. She has heard them all and seen me at my most vulnerable. The prayers of thanksgiving for all the wonderful blessings in my life. Prayers of love and protection over my family and friends. She’s heard the many tears I’ve shed when my heart was broken or I was pushing through a painful trial. And, been witness to the countless hours of meditation as I seek direction in my life and work toward refining myself. 

Tonight, I once again became fully aware of her powerful presence. We are similar, she and I.  We are strongly rooted, adaptable, unwavering and resilient and have weathered many a storm. If a part of us breaks, we heal and rejuvenate ourselves. We represent a life force, steadfast reliability and a place of solitude. 

As I pray and mediate tonight, I do so with deep gratitude for the beauty in front of me.  For the symbolic and sentimental nature this beautiful tree brings. God is always in the details, but sometimes we need to have our eyes truly open to wholly appreciate and see them. Tonight was one such night!

First Steps

I remember the day my son took his first steps.  I was sitting on the floor in our family room across from my then mother-in-law as we passed a helium balloon back and forth.  Enamored by the balloon and determined to take hold of it, my son promptly pushed himself up on his feet and attempted to walk toward the latex sphere.  Fear of falling wasn't an option because he had his eye fixated on the prize of procuring the balloon.  Then, without realizing he was taking, literally, one of the first fundamental steps of his life, he began to master walking.  This was the genesis of many wonderful milestones my son and I would share. 

I recently had that transformational moment parents of young adults inevitably go through.  That moment when you realize they’ve crossed the threshold into adulthood and are now the captains of their destiny.  It’s an emotionally complicated and bittersweet stage in life.  

A few weeks ago, Stephen and I were sitting out on our patio.  This has become our new family time.  A time I’ve come to cherish.  We have dinner and download and regale the day.   As my son was conversing, I realized that sitting before me was no longer the little boy with skinned knees and a love for all things Legos and Thomas the Tank Engine, but rather the man I had so earnestly wanted to raise.  He had recently started driving and was working three summer internships in addition to freelancing as a sound engineer on independent films.  He was earning and managing his own money, taking meetings with producers, directing and producing his own movies, dealing with the hellish nightmare that is LA traffic and still found time to make his bed every day.  All very grown up responsibilities and I could not be more proud of him.

From the very second  I knew I was going to have a baby until this moment, I have had my arms around him; guiding, loving, teaching, protecting and preparing him for his future.  In what seemed like a cruel flash of time, the day has come when I have to unlock my hold around him and let him stand on his own.  Much like the day he took his first steps and I stood behind him as he wobbled across the room, ready to catch him should he fall, only to watch with joy as he mastered his stride.  I now stand here as I watch with elation my son not just take his first steps into adulthood, but propel at lightning speed into it.  

The tables have now turned and I’m taking my first steps.  My first steps in letting go.  My first steps as the parent of an adult.  My first steps in moving forward with my life.  It’s time for me to do more grown up things.  To travel more, learn a new language, settle down with an amazingly wonderful guy and be more adventurous, spontaneous and maybe even a little daring.  I’ll be the first to admit I’ve wobbled a bit, but I too am mastering my stride.  It’s painfully hard not to feel a loss of purpose as I navigate this emotional but necessary transition and grapple with feeling my role in his life slowly diminishing as he has grown and flown. 

As I now step back and watch my son thrust toward his future, I’m comforted in knowing I’ve more than equipped him for the journey.  And much like I did at his age, he’ll look back from time to time for reassurance and support, which I’ll gladly and gently provide, only to have him then turn and steady his gaze ahead toward his destiny.  In the meantime, my arms have been opened to release him but, like any good mama, they are always here ready and waiting to hug him.

Turning 50

This past weekend, flanked by cherished friends and loved ones, I celebrated a milestone birthday of turning fifty.  Even saying “I’m fifty” makes me shake my head in disbelief.  Where did this fifty come from?  I don’t feel fifty and I’d like to humbly (but proudly) believe I don’t look half a century old.  Back when I was the tender age of ten, fifty seemed like an eternity away.  Well, it appears that eternity, in all of its matured glory, has finally arrived. 

Amidst all of the jokes of now being old enough to be an official member of AARP and my friends believing I need to start wearing Depends diapers, I’m actually quite proud to have reached this turning point in my life.  “Over the hill” is a comedic expression that is synonymous with reaching this milestone.  Let me assure you, I am anything but over the hill.  I stand firmly at the center of not just the hill, but the mountain top, stoic and resilient and have a full awareness and appreciation of all that is around me.  I certainly don’t anticipate treading down the slope anytime too soon.  Granted I am now officially closer to death than birth, but I still have an ambitious list of accomplishments yet to be consummated.

I had recently been reflecting back to when I turned forty.  It was the eve before my birthday and I was sitting on the edge of my bed watching the clock round to midnight.  The second the clock struck twelve, an overwhelming excitement washed over me.  I, me, LoriAnn was now FORTY.  It was a rite of passage, if you will.  I was now part of this special forty and over club.  I felt I had finally come into my own.  But, all too soon, my excitement turned to fear.  I had been divorced barely a year and was still healing from the pain and effects that such a life event brings.  I had fear of how I was going to raise my son, then only 7 years old; with as little collateral damage and need for therapy as possible.  Fear of how I was going to make ends meet.  Fear of how I was going to navigate the shark infested, uncharted waters before me. And, sadly, but most certainly, fear of being alone. 

If I could go back and sit with that girl I would take her by the shoulders, look her squarely in the eyes and tell her that she’s going to be just fine.  She’s going to be fine because unbeknownst to her she’s got a lot of fight in her.  A strength and courageousness she will exude repeatedly over the next ten years for the many unforeseen challenges she will face.  She will slay one dragon after the other and emerge stronger with each win.  She will lose some battles as well but the lessons learned and wounds incurred will be invaluable and key in continuing to build her fortitude and character.   

More importantly, she will be fine because of the many wonderful people she will have in her life who will share in her journey.  They will celebrate her wins and successes and comfort in the losses and painful moments.  They will laugh hard together and cry hard together.  They will call her on her missteps because they value the friendship and that’s how she will learn to be a better person.  They will carry her at times and she will need to let them (still a tough one for her but she’s getting there).  They will love deeply, beautifully and unconditionally and she will evolve in an insurmountable magnitude for having them by her side.   

As I now embark on my fifties I do so with unfettered passion.  The fear I had in my forties has long since dissipated. The beauty of being older is that I’m also wiser.  Wise enough to know that everything to this point was the ramp up to what my true potential, gifts and accomplishments that are yet to be.  I have bigger mountains I want to climb.  I may smell like Ben Gay when I reach the top of them, but reach them I will. This momentous birthday is my threshold to new opportunities and a stronger fulfillment in life. 

I look to the well-trod path behind me and all the love, joy, pain and experiences I was blessed to have along the way and whisper a prayer of thanks for each encounter.  I now point my compass to the road ahead and take my first steps on this new direction of my journey.  An adventure of both continued friendships and new companions, untold possibilities and undiscovered horizons that await.  I’m of the belief that the best is yet to come and that fifty is, and will be, truly fabulous!

A Tale of Two Missions

A few weekends back I set out on a mission to my local furniture store to procure a new couch and side chair for my living room.  After several years of my former couch being nothing more than a glorified doggie bed, smells and dog slobber included, I decided it was time to bite the bullet and buy and new set.  Armed with my chai tea latte, I landed upon said furniture store determined to find not only the perfect couch and chair but also attempt to do so at a bargain price. 

It’s always comical to walk into a furniture store and watch the sales sharks circle you like your chum.  Cue the theme from “Jaws”.  Within ten minutes I was approached by no less than six associates all jockeying for my business and a commission.  I then noticed this demure and polite associate and determined he would be the salesman who would earn my business.  His name was Manny.  Manny spent over two hours roaming the floor with me, tolerating my indecisiveness, changing my order twice (I’m really not that girl, really I’m not) and got me three cups of tea.  Of course, that meant at least three trips to the ladies room which only delayed the process, but I digress.  Once I FINALLY decided on the set I wanted to purchase, cue the “Hallelujah Chorus”, Manny had to wait for his manager to write up the invoice.  During this time Manny and I sat on one of the couches and talked like two old friends who’d met up for coffee. 

I had shared with Manny details of the latest film my son is working on and that I work for a VMS company.  He shared with me how excited he was about going to a family reunion the following weekend.  He then proceeded to tell me that this was the first time several of his family members were getting together since the death of this wife.  She had died twelve years prior from bone cancer.  I was becoming endeared to Manny and felt a pang when he told me about losing his wife.  He then asked if I would permit him to show me a picture of her and his grandchildren.  I was only too happy to oblige.  She and they were beautiful.  What struck me was how tenderly he spoke of his wife.  His face lit up as he showed me one picture after another.  You could clearly tell she was the love of his life and that his heart was still broken by the loss.  I found myself becoming envious that she could have such a wonderfully beautiful effect on him after so many years of having passed.  I sat with Manny and let him regale stories of him and his wife and found my own heart fulfilled and joyous.  I was touched and happy for this couple whom I’d never met, yet clearly had such a tender, loving relationship.  It gave me hope that perhaps one day, I too would have the same.  To be loved so deeply and admirably.  It was truly a beautiful thing to witness. 

When I left, Manny shook my hand and thanked me for letting him share his stories.  I was only too happy to have let him do so.  He exuded a sweet spirit and genuineness that resonated with me.  As I walked out of the store I realized that my initial mission was to buy a couch but in the end it was simply to be a friend and listening ear to a widower whose heart still beats for the love of his life. 

I’m a firm believer that no one crosses our paths by accident and Manny was no exception.  He danced on my soul for a brief moment.  My need for a couch and his need for a friendly customer were all meant to be.  I feel blessed and honored to have had the opportunity.

Farewell Lenny

Lenny and Stephen circa 2000

About two weeks ago, my son and I had the painful task of having to put our beloved beagle, Lenny, to sleep.  Lenny gave us fifteen amazingly great years of unconditional doggy love.  He was fiercely loyal coupled with a tender, sweet spirit.   Those of you who are dog owners know all too well that the loss of dog is alike to losing a family member.   The loss leaves a chasm in your heart that will ache in a way you could never have imagined.

I have so many special memories of Lenny but one stands out above the rest.  It was a few months after my divorce.  I had awakened in the middle of the night, with my heart deeply broken and was sobbing.  Lenny, sensing my hurt, jumped up on my bed, put his head on my chest, nuzzled his nose up near my face and gently licked my tears.  He then looked at me with those soulful, big brown eyes of his as if to say, “I’m sorry you’re in pain but know that I love you very, very much”.  From that moment on we had this unbreakable bond.

When you own a pet, a dog in particular, you look with different eyes and a different heart to see and feel the love they give you each and every day.  It’s in all the small moments.  Moments that can be easily missed if you’re not fully open and aware to their presence.  It’s the wagging of the tail when you speak with them.  It’s the bursting with joy and happy yelps each and every time you come home, even if you were gone for only ten minutes.  It’s the gentle nuzzle they give while curled up on the couch with you.  It’s looking down on the floor and seeing them right beside you, always.  It’s the absolute excitement they have when they hear you get their leash to take them for a walk.  It’s the fierce bark they emit when they sense danger and ready to protect you, even if it costs them their lives.  It’s the thousands of kisses and unending affection they exude letting you know how insanely they love you. 

Lenny, despite his sweet nature, also had a mischievous side.  He had a penchant for getting into the trash.  One funny situation was when he got his nose stuck in an empty peanut butter jar and was sitting in the middle of the living room, trash all around him and the jar stuck on his nose.  We called it “Exhibit A, Case Closed”.  He also seemed to have a fetish for stealing my panties out of the laundry and hiding them under the bed.  I don’t know if he was a perv disguised as a dog or owned a lingerie shop in a former life, but it always perplexed me that he seemed to enjoy my “delicates” so much.  Lenny was also a bit of a Houdini, in that he would dig a hole under our fence and escape from the yard, only to be returned like an fugitive by one of our neighbors.  Despite his silly antics, we loved him as unconditionally as he loved us.

When Lenny’s health declined these past few months, I knew all too well that my days with my beloved furry friend were waning down.  I had this constant lump in my throat knowing that soon I would have to say goodbye.  We were told we would have about a year, but sadly we had about one month.  Nothing prepares you for that moment when you have to let them go.  I held him in my arms until his final heartbeat.  He had been by my side through thick and thin and I was not going to leave his in his final moments.  I repeatedly told him how much I loved him and how sorry I was that he was so sick and had to leave us.  The second he was gone I wept uncontrollably.  This pain, from a place that hurts so deeply, rose up and overwhelmed me.  This furry ball of love that had provided me with so many years of joy and unconditional love was now gone.  The vet let me stay with him for a few minutes afterwards.  Through my tears, I gently kissed his head and whispered in his long soft ears one last I love you.

I walked in with a dog and left with an empty collar.  A symbolic reminder of all the amazingly wonderful moments we had.  A reminder of a dog whose only purpose was to bring happiness and love to his family.   A dog, who did all that and more.  A dog who left more than a paw print on my heart.   

They say all dogs go to heaven.  If this is so, then I truly hope Lenny is enjoying his favorite treats, tummy rubs and running around the celestial city with all of his canine buddies.  And, should heaven have peanut butter then I can only hope they have the trash barrels locked up. 

Farewell my wonderfully sweet, wet nosed, milk bone loving, furry little friend!

Having an Attitude of Gratitude

As my Jewish girlfriends often say, "Oy Vey".  This past week has been exceptionally difficult on several fronts.  Life sucker punched me a few times, and hard.  On the professional side, I’m overwhelmed by a recent series of events and, to exacerbate the situation, I received news that I’m losing one of my strongest team members.  On the personal side, I’ve had one disappointment after another in addition to receiving difficult news on a medical front that has rendered me with some tough decisions to make.  I’m a fighter and will certainly soldier through, but when life hits you with a myriad of challenging issues; it leaves you spiraling a bit. 

It would be so easy to sit back and feel sorry for myself.  To hole myself up in my bed all weekend and play the “woe is me” card.  Anyone who knows me, knows all too well, self-pity is not in my DNA.   Truth be told, the martyr and victim mentality is a pet peeve of mine. 

What I’m choosing to do is have an attitude of gratitude for all the pleasant moments life brought this week. 

• Gratitude for a lovely home cooked dinner and the warm fellowship shared with my friends as we watched the Golden Globes. 
• Gratitude for hitting a 17 pound weight loss since November 1^st.
• Gratitude for the special bonding time with my son as we brainstormed over a new script for his next movie.
• Gratitude for the success one of my brothers is experiencing in his new job
• Gratitude for wonderful people in my life who have reached out this week to offer support
• Gratitude for the gorgeous drive I have to work every morning that helps reset my soul and remind me of all the amazingly wonderful blessings in my life
• Gratitude for the unexpected, kind words of a friend that put a smile on my face, even if just for an hour
• Gratitude for the lessons I’m learning through the difficult situations I’m facing
• Gratitude for good wine at the end of the day to help erase all the yucky parts of the day J

Through exuding gratitude I’m choosing the direction of my focus.  Each morning I sit on the edge of my bed and whisper the following mantra: “I’m making a choice to live an extraordinary and happy life today”.   By doing so, it sets the course of my day.  We all possess an amazing power, the power of choice.  By choosing to push through and have an attitude of gratitude, I’m choosing a healthier and happier outcome.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not running from my problems. I’m simply making a choice to not let them have dominion over me.     

As this next week approaches, I eagerly look forward to gaining victory over the shortcomings and difficulties experienced these past several days.  I’ve left enough tread marks on this earth to know that the solutions will present themselves and I will press on.  I’m also looking forward to the many new blessings yet to be bestowed and potential hidden gems that will lift my spirit even higher.  I bid adieu to last week and all the turmoil it brought and welcome with open arms the week ahead and all of its renewed possibilities!

Tearing Down the Walls

As I sit at the precipice of a new year, I can’t help but reflect on years past as well as look with great excitement to what lies ahead.  With each passing year, I find myself coming more and more into my own as I evolve toward the woman I’m destined to be.  As I embark upon 2015, I do so with an abundance of gratitude for what I consider to be a very happy life.  I have a son who makes my heart smile every day and never ceases to amaze me with his loving, gentle spirit, great sense of humor and immense talent.  I have a job that I deeply enjoy and get tremendous satisfaction from.  I have a beautiful home, wonderful possessions and money in the bank.  I have some of the most wonderful friends and family a girl could ask for and, with the exception of needing to lose a few pounds, (who of us doesn't), I am in great health. 

With all of this said the one area of my life that I would like to see blossom is my love life.  This is not to say I've not had opportunity.  I've had countless opportunities to fall in love and even start a new life with someone.  What I've learned of late is that I've subconsciously resisted letting someone in, truly in, bringing them into the inner sanctum of my heart; standing in front of them emotionally naked and surrendering, wholly.  Instead, I've consistently erected the preverbal walls of defense in an effort to protect my heart and barricade me from the painful travails of it being shattered to pieces.  It wasn't until late that I came into this awareness, and perhaps I've become aware, because the emotionally complex and broken pieces of my heart have long since healed and it’s well beyond time to move forward.

This became ever so evident about six months ago.  I was shopping at my local Trader Joe’s where I noticed a lovely elderly couple.  They had to be in their eighties.  He was dressed impeccably well.  The personification of Dapper!  Tailored pants with a sharp cuff, a crisp white shirt, vest, sport coat and felt tipped hat.  She was in perfectly pressed slacks, a floral blouse and cardigan draped in pearls and well-coiffed white hair.  She was also in a wheelchair.  What struck me were the tender exchanges between both.  He would pick up an item and show it to his beloved asking her if it was the product she wanted.  She would gently put her frail hand on his and reply yes or no and, or point to what she needed.  With each interaction, he acted as if it was his utmost pleasure to be there with and for her and she looked at him as if he’d hung the moon.  I was so deeply moved watching them.

I had paid for my groceries and was readying to drive out of the parking lot when I noticed the elderly couple again.  He was now gently taking her out of her wheelchair and placing her into the car.  I watched with utmost respect and envy at his love for her.  Once she was safely in the car, he put her seat belt on and then lovingly placed one gentle kiss on her forehead.  It was at this point that I welled up with tears and went careening off of the emotional cliff.  This beautiful, delicate dance between husband and wife moved me in such a powerful way.  I knew in that moment that I wanted to have that kind of love.  I also knew that I would not have that kind of love if I didn't take measures to tear down the walls I've had up far too long and let that love in.  I must have looked like a fool crying alone and uncontrollably in my car, yet, it was a moment that was meant to be and one I needed to walk through.  My emotional response was powerful and deeply cathartic.  I truly believe I was destined to be at Trader Joe’s to witness this amazingly beautiful exchange as life’s way of saying “it’s time”. 

The heart is one of the strongest muscles in the body, yet so fragile when it comes to love.  Once it’s broken, it shatters into a million pieces and needs to take the necessary time to heal properly.  Trust, self-worth, confidence and a desire to love and be loved again all need to be re-instilled.   We all deserve to love and be loved and should not let the hurts of the past rob us future joy.

Since that day at Trader Joe’s, I've pushed myself out of my comfort zone.  It is only through removing the bricks from the fortress I've been hiding behind will I see and experience the love that awaits me.  I've taken down the velvet ropes that encompassed my heart, put myself out there and, at times, have even taken the reigns.  It’s scary and exhilarating all the same.  Some moments have been met with acceptance, some not.  I've been empowered when they've been accepted and have learned not to become crestfallen when they are not.  Both experiences are part of the journey toward finding love again and will make it that much sweeter when I do. 

Will I find love in 2015?  God, I hope so!  The “who” is unknown and, in some ways, makes the odyssey that much more exciting.  I know I run the risk of potentially getting hurt again; however, I've made peace with the thought.  In essence, it will mean I had the opportunity to love and be loved again.  None of us have a crystal ball we can peer into to know if a relationship will work or not.  I certainly did not know that on June 2, 1991 as I pledged my undying love to the then, love of my life, that years later I would awaken at 3:22 a.m. a divorced, heartbroken, single mother with the financial worries of the world on my shoulders, scared out of mind about how I was going to pull through and with the other side of the bed empty.  I don’t regret falling in love and getting married and I don’t regret dissolving my marriage either.  Again, it’s all part of the journey, both the good and bad.  

As I lift my virtual glass to the year ahead and herald all that lies before me, I embrace it with unfettered passion and excitement.  I feel the Goddess of Love, Aphrodite, softly whispering in my ear that this is my year.  Here’s to love and all the joy, euphoria, excitement and albeit pain it brings. Let's hope that this truly is my year to be enraptured by it's sweet intoxication again.  Maya Angelou put it best when she said “First best is falling in love. Second best is being in love. Least best is falling out of love. But any of it is better than never having been in love.” 

Broken Into But Not Stolen

Last Friday evening I returned home from a wonderful 4^th of July celebration with several close friends, only to find our home had been broken into.  Thankfully, nothing had been stolen, but our home had indeed been intruded upon.  I’m keenly in tune with the energy and rituals of our home and sensed immediately, upon entering, that something had upset its balance. There was an unsettling feeling that prompted me to cautiously walk through my home.  Additionally, I have two fiercely protective dogs that appeared highly agitated upon my arrival.  They had come to greet me from the back of the house versus their usual spots on the couches in the front room.  As I approached my kitchen I straightaway realized what my heightened sense of concern was about.

I have a large decorative cabinet that resides underneath my kitchen window.  The contents atop the cabinet had been removed and placed on the floor.  The kitchen window was opened, which was disturbing because I had closed all the windows earlier in the day to run the air conditioning.  There were also muddy footprints on the cabinet.  Noticing all of the above took mere seconds and immediately, panic and fear shot through me.  I yelled to my dogs “let’s go” and ran out of the house into my car and promptly called 911.  I also called my son who was staying at our friends Terry and Susie’s that night.  Terry had kindly come with some friends and my son in tow to stay with me until the police arrived. 

It’s a surreal moment to be standing in front of your home but afraid to enter it.  Once the police arrived, they moved on my home in full gear with guns drawn, in the event the intruder was still there.  I became slightly emotional watching the events unfold.  Observing officers in my home with their guns drawn, announcing their presence to a potentially dangerous person is a scene I never anticipated witnessing.  The police carefully scope out each room as well as the yard.  After about 10 minutes they gave us the all clear to come inside.  They had shown us how the intruder tried to enter through several other windows but was unsuccessful due to them being locked.  For some reason the window in the kitchen was not fully locked, thus granting him access to our home.  I was filled with a myriad of emotions, the dominant one being fear.  After about two hours with the police, the photographer and forensics, I returned to my friend Susie’s to try and get some sleep.  Susie is one of my dearest and closest friends.  My female soulmate.  Her family is like family to us and her home is like a second home for my son, so it was fitting that we took refuge there.  I was riddled with anxiety and slept maybe an hour or so. 

The next morning, which came early for me, my mind was racing.  I had envisioned every safety measure possible that I wanted to implement.  I knew I needed to re-activate the alarm system, be more diligent about ensuring our windows are locked and keep a light on in the back of the house where we’re out to make it look like someone is home.  I drew the line at installing a moat with alligators, having vicious wolverines troll the property and hiring an armed guard to be onsite during our absence.  I think the lack of sleep prompted the latter.  I met with my friend Brian for breakfast.  He too is a close friend and like a brother.  He had suggested I spend another night at my friend Susie’s.  I had strongly considered doing so; however, I felt that if I was going to take my home back and move past the fear, I needed to do so sooner than later.  That evening, my son and I, committed to gaining power over this situation, battened down the hatches, whispered up prayers of protection and spent the night in our own home. 

Since the intrusion, I have walked through my home with sage and claimed each room back.  My friend Susie is a reiki master and has signed on to reiki the house as well.  It’s our way of proclaiming to the universe that we can be shaken but not broken. 

I was sharing with my son that had the intruder come into our home as a guest, we would have welcomed him.  We would have offered him food and drink, conversed and exuded compassion. We would have hugged him when he left and perhaps made a new friend.  But, that’s not how he entered. He entered as an intruder intent on doing harm.  I still have compassion for him and have prayed each night for him since.  Something has gone terribly awry in this man’s life to prompt him to make such disastrous choices; choices that will undoubtedly lead him to a prison cell or worse.

 

Webster’s defines a robbery as the crime of stealing from a person or place. The thief who entered our home committed to stealing its contents failed miserably in doing so.  He also failed to steal our spirit, failed to steal our determination, failed to steal our courage and failed to steal our freedom to feel safe our home.

When I was a little girl, my mom shared with me that each night she prayed that God would put angels at the four posts of the house to protect us all as we slept.  I’ve prayed that prayer many times over the years, not only for myself, but for my family and friends.  I truly believe there were angels watching over us that evening.  Not many homes get broken into and nothing stolen.  It’s as if this force field of protection drove him away.  My iPad and iPhone were right on the dining room table, in clear sight and were not taken.  My son had commented that we had the best case scenario.  We were broken into, yet nothing was stolen and no one was hurt. 

Thank you, Mom, for the prayers you prayed when I was a child and for teaching me the prayers to pray over my home.  Thank you Susie and Terry for your unwavering support and always opening your home and hearts to us.  Thank you to my friend Brian for checking in every day since to ensure we are safe.  Last, but certainly not least, thank you, God, for keeping us safe and having your angels watch over us.

Celebrating 22 Years In The Industry!

Twenty two years ago today I embarked on what would be the foundation of a long and rewarding career path in the HR and Recruitment industry. Knowing only how to spell the word recruiting, I was hired as a Data Entry Associate for Arthur Andersen and Andersen Consulting’s recruiting team in their Hartford office. I was responsible for tracking all candidate activity in the applicant tracking system, aptly named CRIS. To this date, I’m a stickler for 100% data integrity with any ATS I’m operating. At the time, I was unaware that public accounting would become my playground and that recruiting would be my passion.

As I worked with some of the best and brightest partners, hiring managers and team members, I began to learn the fundamentals of recruiting. When I was given the opportunity to start conducting my own interviews and owning a few requisitions I felt such a sense of fulfillment in my career. I found that I had a natural connection with my candidates. I enjoyed hearing about their work experiences and objectives. I got a thrill every time I made an offer and candidates accepted. I learned quickly that working in recruiting not only meant hiring people, but also gently letting go of those not qualified for a role. As tough of a task as this is, in the end, it’s always what’s best for the firm and ultimately the candidate.

I’ve seen recruiters young and old alike get caught up with the latest systems, buzzwords, Boolean searches, networking events and jockeying for the most LinkedIn recommendations and connections. Who’s in the President’s Club for the most hires and who’s writing articles for LI and other recruitment blogs. These components are not what makes a good recruiter. Most of these are simply the tools in your toolbox. You can learn to use them effectively, but they still don’t make you a good recruiter.

As the years progress and my experience deepened, I learned the most fundamental aspect of recruiting was not hiring people, but building strong business relationships with both my internal and external clients. In doing so, the candidates came and the hires were made. By building strong relationships with my hiring partners I was able to learn more about professional services from a business perspective. I’ve spent hours with my partners learning how they managed their teams, how to discern financial reports, what keeps them up at night, how our business is run, what pursuits they’re chasing and how I can add value in helping them achieve their goals. Each time I deliver the talent they need, I further build my credibility; which was beyond valuable. I can sit in their respective offices and tell them I can hire the candidates they’re looking for, but until that “butt is in the seat” (as we say in the recruiting industry), my words and promises mean nothing. I’ve also learned when to step up and let my partners know when a requisition is too difficult to fill. It takes a high level of trust and vulnerability to have this dialogue with your partners. In doing so, I’ve been surprisingly encouraged. This has often given opportunity to further brain storming with them, reviewing our processes, etc. When we finally do fill those roles, it’s that much sweeter for the victory.

I’ve also been deeply blessed to have worked with some of the most talented recruitment and HR professionals. There’s a kinship you develop with your natural work teams when you’re in the trenches day in and day out. You have this innate desire to watch them succeed and you’ll protect them fiercely if someone tries to undermine their efforts. You’re all sharing the same mission and cause. Hire and retain a world class workforce. I owe a lot to my early mentors who saw something in me and graciously gave of their time in teaching me the ins and outs of HR and recruiting and tolerated my inexperience. Many of their philosophies are what I use in my practices today.

I’ve often heard my colleagues say “We’re not saving lives here”. We’re technically not, but I know that I’m changing them. I could share many heartfelt stories of candidates whose lives were changed when I called and presented them with an offer. I made an offer to one candidate recently and he exclaimed, “You have no idea how much I needed this job. I was about to completely give up”. When I put my head on my pillow that night I was moved to know someone else was going to bed with a peace of mind about their future and that I had an integral hand in helping him get there. That’s beyond rewarding.

I’m not going to lie; my career has also had its many disappointments. No matter how hard I’ve tried, there will always be those team members or hiring managers I’m just not going to win over. I could give a kidney to save their kids lives and they’d still throw me under the bus. Despite the lack of reciprocal respect, I’ve made a personal vow to always remain professional, deliver and take the high road. The occasional thought of dabbling in voodoo dolls or running them down in the parking garage has brought momentary satisfaction, but in the end, I’ve thankfully resisted the urge.

I’ve had the opportunity to hire a few thousand people over my career. To this day, I still stay in touch with my very first hire. He’s the CEO of a thriving tech company. When I walk through the offices of my current firm, I see name plate after name plate of the people I’ve hired. It’s humbling and yet, so fulfilling to know this is the legacy I’m leaving on the workforce.

With that said, as I sit here near the close of my 22nd year, I lift my virtual glass in thanks to the years behind me and to many more wonderful years to ahead, hiring the best and brightest talent and working with some of the greatest leaders in my industry!