With all of this said the one area of my life that I would
like to see blossom is my love life. This
is not to say I've not had opportunity. I've
had countless opportunities to fall in love and even start a new life
with someone. What I've learned of late
is that I've subconsciously resisted letting someone in, truly in, bringing
them into the inner sanctum of my heart; standing in front of them emotionally
naked and surrendering, wholly. Instead,
I've consistently erected the preverbal walls of defense in an effort to
protect my heart and barricade me from the painful travails of it being shattered to
pieces. It wasn't until late that I came
into this awareness, and perhaps I've become aware, because the emotionally
complex and broken pieces of my heart have long since healed and it’s well beyond time
to move forward.
This became ever so evident about six months ago. I was
shopping at my local Trader Joe’s where I noticed a lovely elderly couple. They had to be in their eighties. He was dressed impeccably well. The personification of Dapper! Tailored pants with a sharp cuff, a crisp white shirt,
vest, sport coat and felt tipped hat.
She was in perfectly pressed slacks, a floral blouse and cardigan draped
in pearls and well-coiffed white hair. She was
also in a wheelchair. What struck me were
the tender exchanges between both. He
would pick up an item and show it to his beloved asking her if it was the
product she wanted. She would gently put
her frail hand on his and reply yes or no and, or point to what she
needed. With each interaction, he acted as
if it was his utmost pleasure to be there with and for her and she looked at
him as if he’d hung the moon. I was so
deeply moved watching them.
I had paid for my groceries and was readying to drive out of
the parking lot when I noticed the elderly couple again. He was now gently taking her out of her
wheelchair and placing her into the car.
I watched with utmost respect and envy at his love for her. Once she was safely in the car, he put her
seat belt on and then lovingly placed one gentle kiss on her forehead. It was at this point that I welled up with
tears and went careening off of the emotional cliff. This beautiful, delicate dance between husband
and wife moved me in such a powerful way.
I knew in that moment that I wanted to have that kind of love. I also knew that I would not have that kind
of love if I didn't take measures to tear down the walls I've had up far too
long and let that love in. I must have
looked like a fool crying alone and uncontrollably in my car, yet, it was a
moment that was meant to be and one I needed to walk through. My emotional response was powerful and deeply
cathartic. I truly believe I was destined
to be at Trader Joe’s to witness this amazingly beautiful exchange as life’s
way of saying “it’s time”.
The heart is one of the strongest muscles in the body, yet
so fragile when it comes to love. Once
it’s broken, it shatters into a million pieces and needs to take the necessary time to heal
properly. Trust, self-worth, confidence and
a desire to love and be loved again all need to be re-instilled. We all deserve to love and be loved and should not let the hurts of the past rob us future joy.
Since that day at Trader Joe’s, I've pushed myself out of my
comfort zone. It is only through
removing the bricks from the fortress I've been hiding behind will I see and
experience the love that awaits me. I've
taken down the velvet ropes that encompassed my heart, put myself out there
and, at times, have even taken the reigns.
It’s scary and exhilarating all the same. Some moments have been met with acceptance,
some not. I've been empowered when they've
been accepted and have learned not to become crestfallen when they are not. Both experiences are part of the journey
toward finding love again and will make it that much sweeter when I do.
Will I find love in 2015?
God, I hope so! The “who” is
unknown and, in some ways, makes the odyssey that much more exciting. I know I run the risk of potentially getting
hurt again; however, I've made peace with the thought. In essence, it will mean I had the opportunity
to love and be loved again. None of us have
a crystal ball we can peer into to know if a relationship will work or
not. I certainly did not know that on
June 2, 1991 as I pledged my undying love to the then, love of my life, that
years later I would awaken at 3:22 a.m. a divorced, heartbroken, single mother
with the financial worries of the world on my shoulders, scared out of mind about
how I was going to pull through and with the other side of the bed empty. I don’t regret falling in
love and getting married and I don’t regret dissolving my marriage either. Again, it’s all part of the journey, both the good and bad.
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