The Retreat

The headlights pierced the murky, thick darkness revealing the narrow, gravel road and ominous cathedral of trees on each side. With each passing moment, my connection to the outside world faded into nothingness. The sense of isolation washed over me, and my heart quickened as I became acutely aware of my vulnerability to the lurking hazards. In a hushed voice, I found myself murmuring, "What were you thinking, coming here alone, girl?" The rush of adrenaline coursed through my veins, a reminder of the real dangers that surrounded me.

Two months prior, I embarked on a unique journey—a weekend of self-reflection, gratitude, journaling, prayer, and meditation. I decided to disconnect from the bustling world and sought solace in a splendid log cabin hidden deep within the enchanting woods of Lake Lure, NC, with the assistance of a helpful co-worker. My goal was to immerse myself in nature entirely and be off the grid. However, I never anticipated just how remote this place would be, and it felt like stepping into the mysterious realm of the "Upside Down" from the TV show Stranger Things.

Navigating the winding road to reach the cabin was an adventure in itself. The dense forest on either side heightened the feeling of seclusion, but it also made me cautious. Any sudden misstep could lead to a dangerous descent down rocky cliffs and through thick trees. In those moments, I couldn't help but entertain morbid thoughts—imagining how long it would take for someone to find me or if I would become a meal for hibernating black bears and other woodland creatures. I even regretted not Googling whether bears had a taste for human flesh.

Despite these unsettling musings, I was thankful for packing an abundance of granola bars, which now seemed like a wise decision. They could serve as sustenance if I were to survive a treacherous fall and needed to rely on the provisions I had brought. And amidst it all, I couldn't help but ponder what I would wear during the inevitable circuit of morning talk show interviews, recounting the harrowing story of my survival. Such thoughts might seem bizarre, but at high altitudes and in intense situations, the mind tends to wander to unexpected places. 

Ultimately, this experience pushed me to embrace the thrill of nature and the solitude it offered. It provided an opportunity for genuine introspection and a deeper connection with the natural world. While the seclusion was unnerving at times, it allowed me to truly appreciate the beauty and tranquility of the wilderness.

When I arrived at the cabin, the outside light was the only illumination I had seen in miles. It was the beacon that signaled my safe arrival and home for the next two days. I was accompanied by my trusty, canine side kick, Jackson, and, let’s just say, appropriate “arms” to keep me safe. Thankfully, neither had to be discharged during our stay.

I awoke early the next morning, bundled myself in blankets, cradled a hot cup of coffee and sat on the porch to watch the sunrise come up over the mountain. There’s something beautifully stirring about watching God’s majesty unfold before your eyes. Amber and golden hues of sunlight cascaded through the trees coupled by a beautiful aria performed by the many species of birds heralding the days dawn. I could not have asked for a more perfect backdrop.

I spent the next several hours in prayer, meditation and journaling. I committed my heart and mind to be open to whatever this weekend would bring. I had come through a very difficult year off illness, depression, feeling lost, painful isolation, and having been deeply wounded by people I cared about. The last few months of the year brought a clean bill of health, direction, purpose, peace of mind, and healing in my heart. It's not been lost on me how blessed I am to go from a such a depth of low to living in my absolute joy. My faith and resolve were tested several times, but steadfast I stood, even in my darkest of moments. I truly believe the joy I am now experiencing is a result of my perseverance and faithfulness. My spiritual walk has never been stronger or more meaningful. The irony is I had to not only be broken but come humbly before God in my brokenness in order to become stronger and ultimately experience the blessings I’m now living.

Another intention during my self-imposed retreat, was to emancipate myself from negative conditions that served as stumbling blocks or were void of value. Pain, shame, regret, missed opportunity, judgement, loss, hurt, anger, empty or toxic relationships, etc. To symbolize this liberation I gathered several flat stones and, on each stone, wrote the name of something, or someone, I needed to free myself from.  I was surprised by how many stones I wrote on as I reflected on the weight these issues had on my life. Once done, I took each stone, placed them in a backpack, put the backpack on and set out on a hike. My purpose in wearing the backpack was to the feel their collective weight. To feel the discomfort. To reconcile with how they served no purpose but to do just that, weigh me down, hinder my journey and slow any progress toward my destination. 

I carefully sought to find the right alter at which to leave the stones. After some time, I came upon this beautiful red maple tree who, much like me, looked as if she’d weather a few storms yet, despite them, stood tall, resilient and strong. I took each stone out of the backpack and placed it with intentional surrender at the trees base. Once the last stone had been placed in the pile this intense rush of emotion washed over me. I was not prepared for how powerful this moment would be. I prayed, wept and let each negative experience make their way out of my life. It was symbolic of leaving the past behind, forgiving myself, and, where necessary, others, and moving forward renewed. From a faith perspective, it was likened to leaving it all at the cross and completely letting it all go. I even left the backpack. I have no desire to fill it again!  

Later that evening, as I watched the sunset dance across the horizon, I felt radically transformed. Enlightened! I had this intense vibrational high from being so deeply connected with nature as well as with God. Giving myself the gift of being still and silent forced my other senses to take center stage and opened my heart and mind to a higher level of conscientiousness, connection and awareness. My spirit felt fully liberated, light, grounded, connected, inspired, and joyful. I was grateful for the opportunity to reset my soul and have a time of thanksgiving for all the year had brought me and taught me. I spent the remainder of the weekend in an immersion of reflection, mindfulness, spiritual communion, gratitude, and setting goals for the new year.

As I drove away and watched the image of the cabin that served as my sanctuary diminish in my rear view mirror, I savored one last glance, took a deep breath and then steadied my eyes forward. Forward to the new path before me; a path free from the burdensome baggage of the prior journey. A path that will take me to new experiences, new learnings, a deeper authenticity in my spiritual life, encounter greater joy and, most importantly, where I can breathe without a heaviness in my heart and be completely... backpack free.

©2019 LoriAnn Boyer - All Rights Reserved

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