Nineteen years ago today I awoke in
a haze in a Los Angeles hospital trying desperately to piece together the events of the
past 24 hours. Little did I know then
that this would be the first day of my journey on the long road of conquering
depression and anxiety. I had suffered a
severe breakdown the night before. It
was terrifying to say the least. I have
always been a happy go lucky, upbeat, grounded and lighthearted soul. Depression and anxiety would be the last
malady I would have ever expected to be diagnosed with. Yet, here I was frightened and confused and
having to grapple with my new reality. A
reality that felt much distorted in the moment.
For anyone who has suffered serious bouts of depression or
confronted anxiety it can be the most hellish of nightmares. When you are in the depths of a full blown
depression you feel as if you’re bound in chains and screaming underwater. You see the light at top of the water and exhaust
yourself fighting to pierce through its veil.
The first episode is the most terrifying. You have no idea what is happening to
you. You feel like you’ve literally lost
your mind. You want to sleep forever and
wake up to everything being normal again. The irony is, you’re now living your new normal. There will be hours upon hours of intensive therapy as you work toward healing your broken pieces. There are countless antidepressants, you can
take to numb yourself, and some that are life saving for some, but the reality is no one pill can “cure” your
depression. That’s like putting a tiny bandage
over the wound of someone who just had open heart surgery and hoping they don’t
bleed out. Depression is a hard fought
battle that you visit time and again. For me, my faith, family, friends, and insatiable will to fight have
been the pillars to my conquering this beast. My prayer mantra is always Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ who
strengthens me”. There were
countless nights I fell asleep reciting this mantra as a way of calming my anxiety.
I have encountered several bouts of depression and anxiety
since my first diagnosis. They've come less and less over the years and have gotten
easier to conquer but they are grueling nonetheless. I’ve learned to lean deeper into prayer and
meditation and reach out to my friends in complete vulnerability to ask their support. My good friend David Grant Wright,
while kindly nursing me through an episode last summer, said, “It’s like an old friend who taps you on the
shoulder to remind you of their presence. You look back, smile and say, ah, you again. Yes, we've danced this dance before and I’ve got this”.
For all my fellow warriors facing the ugly beast that is
depression, never give up. Never lay
down your sword and never retreat. No matter how much pain you are experiencing, how weary
you get or how frightened and hopeless you feel. No matter how many tears you’ve cried or how scorching
the heat of battle gets, never, ever give up. Fight with every fiber of your being and know that you have what it
takes to slay the dragon before you. Know
that you are not alone. You stand
shoulder to shoulder with other combatants who are fighting the same
fight. Know that every wound you take to
your armor is so the light can shine through when you finally win the battle.
For me, depression is one chapter in the many wonderful
chapters that are my life story. It weaves
its way into other chapters but it is not the entire book and I refuse to let
it be the main character.
I thank God for allowing me to wake up in my own bed this
morning healthy, happy and depression free. I thank Him for always having
his hand of protection and grace over me, even in my darkest of hours. I thank Him for the scars and learnings along
the way. I thank Him for being my
strength when I wanted to drop my sword and run. I thank Him for always whispering in my ear that I am not alone. Most importantly, I thank Him for nineteen
years of hard fought but sweet victory!
