I recently found a sobriety coin on the sidewalk. I had
heard of sobriety coins, but never viewed one up close. When I got in my car I
examined the coin in detail. On one side The
Serenity Prayer is inscribed. On the
other, the length of sobriety achieved, the phrase “To thine own self be true”, and the words unity, service and
recovery. This particular coin signified 18 years of sobriety; 18 years. Wow!
We often hear people joke during lent how difficult it is to give up something
for 40 days. How could they ever manage 18 years?
As I held the coin in the palm of my hand, I felt a
powerful connection with it. I was overcome with deep emotion and pushed to
tears. It was not lost on me what this coin
signified. Who was this soldier of sobriety that formerly owned this coin? What
demons must they have overcome to have reached such a monumental milestone in
their recovery? Were they still living in a state of sobriety? I have friends
and family members who have battled addiction and are in recovery. I know all too well, and have experienced the
pain, heartbreak and destruction it brings. I’ve also seen the positive effects
of sobriety as a result of the hard work of those who work the program and genuinely
want to be healthy again.
Sobriety is described as a state of living sober. I was
challenged to examine my own life in an attempt to understand, what areas do I
need to experience sobriety? Where do I need to gain control over a negative
force that serves only to destroy me, and perhaps, at times, those around me?
If I were to be completely honest, which is a key step in sobriety, and choose
one, it would be fear.
Fear of:
- failure
- rejection
- what the future holds (don’t we all these days?)
- being hurt by those I love and trust
- being used and taken advantage of
- getting my heart broken… again (I could write another 100 blogs on this one)
- growing old alone
The list certainly goes on. These unhealthy fears hold me
in an intoxicated state, prohibiting clear thinking and experiencing the life
I’m truly meant to live.
The first step in sobriety is
admitting you are powerless over your dependence. Yikes, admitting weakness.
That alone sparks fear, yet it must be spoken aloud and confronted in order to
free myself from its clutches.
OK. Here goes… Hello, my name is LoriAnn and I need sobriety from fear. Phew!
Step one, check.
An interesting fact about the sobriety coin is that it
not only represents the years of sobriety a member achieves, but, it represents
AA's commitment to the receiver - not the receivers’ commitment to
AA". This is partly why it’s
critical for recoverings to attend meetings.
They need the support of their community. Community is vital for continued sobriety.
I underwent an unexpected set back a few months ago that
propelled me into the depths of fear. The fear paralyzed me in such a way that
I was rendered unable to get out of bed for several days and spiraled into a
debilitating depression. I was fortunate enough to have a community of family
and amazing friends to pull me out of the dark chasm I had fallen into. They
didn’t just check in on me with trite messages and calls; no, they showed up in
fierce and real ways. They were my recovery group, my community, my people.
They pushed me hard, daily, to move past my fears. They proved to me that
living in fear wouldn’t change the outcome of my situation. They also challenged me to surrender my
independence and allow them to take care of me.
How many times have you heard a recovering say "I've got this under control this time". These are lies used to perpetuate pushing their support and home team away. I was guilty of the same. When you've not showered long enough to where even your dog refuses to sleep with you, you've eaten enough Ben & Jerry's to keep them in business for the next few years and, you've binged watched Snapped or, worse, The Kardashian's, you certainly don't have this under control. Vulnerability is not an easy playground for me to hang in. Standing emotionally naked in front of those I have spent years proving I’m a warrior to was daunting. By shedding the ego, stripping away my insecurities and allowing my “true” community to be there I was able to detox from the fear and pain I was in and experience sobriety from its attempts to hold me hostage. I had to grab that gravy sucking bull called fear by the horns and let it know who was really boss here. I’ve since learned that I can’t stop fear from coming to me, but I do have the power to stop it from getting in me.
How many times have you heard a recovering say "I've got this under control this time". These are lies used to perpetuate pushing their support and home team away. I was guilty of the same. When you've not showered long enough to where even your dog refuses to sleep with you, you've eaten enough Ben & Jerry's to keep them in business for the next few years and, you've binged watched Snapped or, worse, The Kardashian's, you certainly don't have this under control. Vulnerability is not an easy playground for me to hang in. Standing emotionally naked in front of those I have spent years proving I’m a warrior to was daunting. By shedding the ego, stripping away my insecurities and allowing my “true” community to be there I was able to detox from the fear and pain I was in and experience sobriety from its attempts to hold me hostage. I had to grab that gravy sucking bull called fear by the horns and let it know who was really boss here. I’ve since learned that I can’t stop fear from coming to me, but I do have the power to stop it from getting in me.
To the former owner of the coin I hold not only in my
hand, but now in my heart, know it is safe and has had a profound impact on its
new owner. I applaud you for the warrior you’ve been these past 18 years and
for the fears and battles you’ve bravely faced to reach this milestone. Stay the course and never stop fighting the good fight, my friend. I wish you continued recovery and peace on
your sobriety journey and to thine own
self be true.
All rights reserved. ©2017 LoriAnn Boyer
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